How to fix the Simpsons


The Simpsons, the world's longest running comedy television sitcom show series has become a largely acknowledged shadow of its former self.

This was almost inevitable, TV shows shouldn't really last more than a few years. After that ideas start to get recycled, characters become more exaggerated, gimmicks become used more, guest stars, lazy "post-modern" self references and just a general lack of ideas, good writers would understandably leave out of boredom, replaced by eager writers who perhaps are too much of a fan of the show.

My proposal to fix things for The Simpsons is quite simple, find an indigenous tribe somewhere with minimal exposure to US media, build a writers room there.

Recruit residents and tell them to start writing whatever they want, as long as it is a script.

Then start to slowly stock up the writing room with Simpsons branded merchandise, such as stationary, kitchenware, house-ware, furniture etc.

Keep it going, don't stop, the shelves are full? The tables? The cisterns? No keep going, keep adding Simpsons merchandise, until they have to wade through a layer of it on the ground.

Keep going, fucking keep going, don't even start checking the scripts until the pool of merchandise is at chest level.

Until they are furiously thrashing in a puddle of key-chains of Bart speech bubbles.

Until they are rolling over a pile of Duff beer cans in the shape of bottles.

Until they have to stop talking mid-sentence to blow a thong out of their face with a picture of Lisa on it.

Then start reading the scripts, I guarantee you that you will think John Swartzwelder himself was submerged in your plastic mess.

You'll cry, you all will cry, it will be beautiful, you'll get at least 4 seasons out of it.

However, keep vigilant, the moment a script suggests a guest appearance from Tony Blair, burn the whole thing down, the people too, they'll just Flanderise everything now. Leave the indigenous village as a toxic plastic fire, decades from any chance of regeneration, with your fresh and funny scripts in tow.

Rupert Murdoch will be proud of you. Proud of you. Proud of YOU.