If I Die


These here are the those things that would be done if I were to pass on to the there that is not here.

Execute these that are here wherever you may be there.

That this: One (1) - Media photo for use

For reporting my departing please use the specific this image here that matches the situation when it is there

Road accident

Terminal illness

Shot by police out of prejudice

Suicide, by depression

Suicide, by being famous and not handling it very well

Suicide, from shame of commiting act of notoriety

Falling down some stairs

Falling up some stairs

Killed in Action

Killed in inaction

Missing, no body found

Missing, then body found

Missing, then body found, then body lost in clerical error at coroners

That this two (2) - Obituary Primers

Not that I would here ever make demands of what is said there about me when I've gone to the place that is there. But to save those there from incorrectitudes and misfactoids here are those things about me here when there.

That this three (3) - Funureal Procedures

  1. I wish my head and limbs cremated, my torso buried and my genitalia cryogenically frozen for possible future revival.
  2. I do not want a wake, I want to have a Comedy Central roast with Jeff Goldblum as Roastmaster
  3. The roast should be in a large wooden structure hand built by Rem Koolhaas
  4. Only serve the attendees houmous and bread, alcohol should be brewed from chick peas
  5. At the end Rem Koolhaas can burn the structure to the ground and write a fucking book about it