Microdosing water - June 20XX

I’ve been microdosing on water to see if it optimises my performance in my daily life, much like people with LSD.

I started out squeezing a pipette into my ear, 1 and a half drops of water.

The effects were subtle, whenever I picked something up I felt I could hurl it very far but not too accurately, like a Scud type missile.

I decided to up the dosage after taking a forum of my peers. I condensed water onto a cold surface for 2 weeks and licked a 1cm long line of water.

I felt a sudden initial sensation of cold on my tongue, followed by the taste of tongue. My sense of time had been very heightened, because every time I looked at the clock the time had changed.

The results were promising but not really contributing to any increase in peformance, I decided to take 8 entire cups in a single day, given the dose size I took it within a controlled environment supervised by a qualified Doctor of Sociology.

I felt a great and profound sense of urgency throughout my day, I was always rushing, half finishing sentences but then finishing the other half afterwards

I felt great, however towards the end of the day my lower abdomen felt like it was going to burst, this heightened the sense of urgency, I felt so productive, so productive that by the end of the day smelly liquid was coming out of my penis uncontrollably.

Dear science, I think I have made a breakthrough?

Microdosing caffeine - July 20XX

I've been microdosing caffeine for the last three weeks, much like when people do LSD

I started out soaking a 1cm circulet of bible paper in espresso and taking 3 times a day, it felt solid, like I could be on my tippy toes all day if I wanted but I didn't because it's very hard

I thought I was perhaps overloading my system so I changed to 2 circulets a day

This felt even more solid, I felt like I could take up some structural load in behalf of the building but I didn't because "they" didn't let me

I wanted to check if I went past the sweet spot, so instead of 2/clets a day I had 2/clets a day but ripped them in half before injesting

The effects were counter intuitive, I felt very drowsy, I crept under the carpets many times

So I carefully upped my dosage to see if the sweet spot was there, so I took a bag and a half of instant coffee powder, with some sugar to balance it out

This feels solid, however it has been hard to assess the effects as I have been distracted by the air having the apparent viscosity of bitumen, the smell too, call the ambulansh, call it now, please