White Men

I was once having sit down drinks with some friends

And I was really tired from work, so I was just happy to just sit and listen to my friends talk, check my phone and stuff

When suddenly I heard one of them mention the film "White men can't jump" and they began to describe the plot

And for some reason out of nowhere I just stood up out of my chair and out of my mouth came the words

"NO DON'T TELL ME THE PLOT OF WHITE MEN CANT JUMP I HAVEN'T SEEN WHITE MEN CANT JUMP"

And everyone was just staring at me all confused, I was feeling this out of body experience

And then my friend said "Look it's not like the plot has that many spoile-"

And at that point I just lunged at him across the table and grabbed his shirt, but it was made of very slippery polyester so I just ended up pecking my hands at his chest repeatedly

"DON'T EVEN TELL ME IF THE PLOT WAS SPOILABLE"

It was coming out of my mouth I just couldn't understand what was controlling me or if I had split into 3 people

The bouncer then came up to me after hearing the commotion and thankfully my friend told them I was just joking around, so they thankfully everyone just thought I was just joking around

My other friend then said "it's a stupid title anyway because white men CAN jump"

And this hand just slammed against her mouth, it was my hand

"DON'T SPOIL WHETHER WHITE MEN IN GENERAL CAN JUMP I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

And on the edge of my peripheral vision I noticed a bartender walking out onto the terrace and they were about to reach for the handle that would bring down the veranda

the handle was 2 feet above him...

out of his reach...

and he was for all intents and purposes white...

And suddenly I was body tackling him into a rustic wooden bench

"NO DON'T JUMP YOU WHITE MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

And the bartender just looked at me with this pathetically calm face

and he said "Hold on you just jumped..."

And I nodded, my chin hair tickling his apron

"...and you're white"

…. I could jump!

I realised I could jump.

24 years and I never jumped

It was amazing

I could jump!

I jumped over pavements

I jumped over my local council's boundary line

I jumped back over my local council's boundary line

And I jumped over a DVD of White men can't jump

I still haven't seen it yet