White Men

I was once having sit down drinks with some friends

And I was really tired from work, so I was just happy to just sit and listen to my friends talk, check my phone and stuff

When suddenly I heard one of them mention the film "White men can't jump" and they began to describe the plot

And for some reason out of nowhere I just stood up out of my chair and out of my mouth came the words

"NO DON'T TELL ME THE PLOT OF WHITE MEN CANT JUMP I HAVEN'T SEEN WHITE MEN CANT JUMP"

And everyone was just staring at me all confused, I was feeling this out of body experience

And then my friend said "Look it's not like the plot has that many spoile-"

And at that point I just lunged at him across the table and grabbed his shirt, but it was made of very slippery polyester so I just ended up pecking my hands at his chest repeatedly

"DON'T EVEN TELL ME IF THE PLOT WAS SPOILABLE"

It was coming out of my mouth I just couldn't understand what was controlling me or if I had split into 3 people

The bouncer then came up to me after hearing the commotion and thankfully my friend told them I was just joking around, so they thankfully everyone just thought I was just joking around

My other friend then said "it's a stupid title anyway because white men CAN jump"

And this hand just slammed against her mouth, it was my hand

"DON'T SPOIL WHETHER WHITE MEN IN GENERAL CAN JUMP I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

And on the edge of my peripheral vision I noticed a bartender walking out onto the terrace and they were about to reach for the handle that would bring down the veranda

the handle was 2 feet above him...

out of his reach...

and he was for all intents and purposes white...

And suddenly I was body tackling him into a rustic wooden bench

"NO DON'T JUMP YOU WHITE MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

"I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET"

And the bartender just looked at me with this pathetically calm face

and he said "Hold on you just jumped..."

And I nodded, my chin hair tickling his apron

"...and you're white"

…. I could jump!

I realised I could jump.

24 years and I never jumped

It was amazing

I could jump!

I jumped over pavements

I jumped over my local council's boundary line

I jumped back over my local council's boundary line

And I jumped over a DVD of White men can't jump

I still haven't seen it yet